I kind of figured , what is the point of chopping and changing yourself from who you are…if it’s making you un happy to do it 70% of the time, when it’s generally to please society..

Or, you have in your head that it will attract the certain person, a boyfriend or group of friends…or it will make you feel like everybody else…to fit in…or so everybody likes you because you are so the ‘same’ that there is no rivalry or something.

What happened to being yourself, in a non cheesy way, but seriously, I wouldn’t change myself for anybody, if anybody makes me feel i’m not good the way I am…that person can fuck off, re evaluate their lives and just probably see that they have no influence on anybody.

Pretty much was happy with the way I looked, although the past 4 days I’ve not really done any cardio or ate particularily careful.

My problem is…I get into a good mind set of eating good, exercising, then slowly relax, realise I have a good body, then it slows into a back to normal phase…one day I’m like, shit, I look shit, and go through a massive dilemma of hating myself and starve myself and all the rest. I think every girl does this, I don’t think every guys notices that extra 4lbs…I just know that maintaining a body you’re confident in without not eating what you enjoy, is more important than spending all of your time obsessing over a perfect image.

If you follow me, I know, I go on about body image, weight, calories, diet, low confidence and I probably have done this speech about 10 times…but I use my blog to keep track of myself, it’s not for you ‘anon’, unless you want it to be…I annoy myself, I get it, but I’m pretty sure you have something equally as irritating like going on about how amazing/shit your relationship is…or how you wish you could ‘get out of this place’…I don’t have any more points to make.

hmmm it’s been nice having a couple of days eating more of what I like.. work over until Wednesday, Grandmas garden tea tomorrow for her Birthday with the siblings, a night out with some exellent friends, booking another break for August, seeing Spiderman and hopefully a film night or two and another night out! I need to keep myself busy, be happy, exercise, eat healthy, eat food that makes me happy, do good things, treat myself good as well as others and ….I will have no guilt/paranoria or negativity.Plan?

I do not understand why I’m back in this phase! I need to move, I need the change, I need it to make me feel a better person…I don’t have good memories here, I don’t feel like I’m in a home..I don’t think anything here is real, It’s just there…because that’s what life is…we live it..whether it’s the one for us or not..or it’s decided by a set of incidents/occurences..

I believe tattoo is art, it’s part of you and your body…why is everybody ranting that it should be socially accepted when all they are doing it grouping themselves and sterotyping by all having to same style of ink done…

I don’t think I need to say much about today apart from, I went to a funeral. I feel all gloomy but feeling really proud as a friend.

On another note, I went to the coop and bought only the healthy stuff I needed… I bought my green tea and peppermint as I ran out…Spinach for the fish tomorrow and Lentils…I’ve been meaning to try them…

The chavvy girl cashier said ‘oooh thats a bih ‘elfeh innit’…and asked me why and what I do with the lentils and so on…shut up… I wish I had bought Ben&Jerrys, Rolo Yoghurts and chocolate which I know I could easily eat in this mood…and put up with…’oooh a night in? alone? single? watching chick flicks? slobbing? getting a wider ass? …pfft…

Malt loaf and a green tea…crazy crazy.

Ohhh buggar you hangover….although…I know I had a great night, funny and actually the music was not bad!

Today i’ve been sick and felt like shit.. slept in my dads bed…found it was incredibly comfortable…ate a big bowl of pasta to attempt to recover for work…got heart burn…drank water…tasted metallic…made dads bed look un-slept in…had a shower…got dressed…looked pretty damn good considering…my lips are a nice pinky colour today..Jam Doughnut is the new shade don’t you know…

I should have ran, tidied my room, not eaten carb fest or chocolate and possibly not wasted a day like today…

Ughhh G&T is in devil. It tastes like pepper. The only positive is that I didn’t pay for it and it’s low calorie…oh dear.

I ended up at a party last night, where I sat drinking, in an attic, in a mist of pot smoke, listening to shittily mixed trance music as the guys mixed it… being talked at by some guys love life problems…the only thing he bothered to ask me was when I last got laid…

wow.

Positives, I apparently have lovely big eyes, was thought as lovely by a bit of a chavvy girl and I went to bed with tea and malted milks…

Worst nights sleep ever. How can a cold come on all of a sudden, and swollen tonsils. I am un happy…i’m being filmed at work tonight …and work alone is bad enough…

On the otherhand, there is some very nice looking male hanging around next door building something…this can pass a few hours.

As if my lecture made me want to pass away and fold into one of the seats… my show has to be up in one week…how does one exhibit something that seems to want to not be something, at all. Frown.

I havn’t had a good rant for a while; here goes.

Pretentious pretty bitches…. so I am quite anylitical when it comes to people. Firstly their appearence and presentation, secondly their personality and character and then how they respond with me and if I get a good vibe from them.

One thing I have found to just hate, is good looking girls, who ruin their beauty by being either stuck up, bitchy or dress like they think they’re models. I’m hoping i’m not being hypocritical in any way… But just how genuine people, realise they’re pretty and think it’s an excuse to lose their morals and shit on other people who they believe are below them.

I possibly sound jealous but I don’t put myself out there as that kind of person, I have learnt to be friends with people I am comfortable around who are genuine. I dislike ignorance, but I have no time to be bitching about people I don’t want to be friends with. amen.

Since I’ve had this blog, I have never felt thin or beautiful enough…I have wanted alot of things I will never have, expensive clothes, houses, cars, visit the world etc. I have craved every kind of wonderful dessert somebody has posted and then it has been contradicted with diet and fitness blogs…

I am un happy with the way I look, the life I live and how I am….this is wrong.

Some would say to delete my blog, but I am addicted..I learn new things, see places I will never see and never knew existed. Found out facts, read statements which change the way I think…

Millions of people use Tumblr, and I think it is an amazing thing, however, we are all individuals and I think to an extent it is poisoning lives to believe that they are not perfect the way they are set out.

I think it’s about time I get my head around everything and accept myself and what I can achieve. Or I will never be myself and never be what I want to be. I will just be in the lost section.

It is a sunny day on Sunday, surprise surprise. I have work, of course… I don’t know whether to just watch dvds and bake tonight…or go for an indian with my bestfriend…I’ve eaten a big ish breakfast…two pitta breads and little bit of cheese…mehhh…I can’t diet! I start my course in less than 3 weeks…I dont want to be fat…I need my project done and I need new clothes!!